Why? Why? Whyyyyyy?
How to find the real problem stopping your momentum. Spoiler: it's not your calendar.
Welcome to All the Tasks Fit to Print, my weekly newsletter on all issues productivity-related for authors (and other solopreneurs)!
Things not going as planned? Projects derailed for no valid reason (or three)?
It is easy to ask "why?" in such situations, and also easy to take the first answer to that question as given. You might even understand that the answer is more complex than the simple reason given. Either way, I suggest you keep asking "why?"
This is an exercise I came up with a long time ago when I was working in accessibility services (formerly "disability services") in higher ed. My job with students registered at our office for accommodations was to triage why they were having issues with a class or a task, and what technological solutions might help them. If I remember correctly, I stumbled over this while working with a student who was highly resistant to even looking for ways to solve the problem they were having, as they were incredibly resistant to change of any kind, even if doing so would solve their problem.
Knowing that there is no point in trying to force someone to change who doesn't want to change, I resorted to simply asking "why?" every time they gave me a reason they could not do so. After multiple rounds of this, they finally admitted that all their "good" reasons for not doing something differently boiled down to their own resistance to change.
This insight did not immediately solve the problem, of course, but it gave the student a broader and, in many ways, more compassionate understanding of their troubles. They were not "just" lazy or antagonistic or stubborn, they were fighting against a deep-seated instinct fueled by their particular brand of mental health issues. With that in mind, they were able to start stretching themselves to adapt to their difficulties, rather than simply saying "I can't do this because __________!!!!!" and, as a result, feeling like a failure.
That interaction stuck with me, and over the years I refined it into the "Three Whys" exercise. Very simply, you ask yourself "why?" three times in response to stating your problem. Take this example of a woman who was unsuccessfully trying to write a novel:
"I never have time to write my novel!"
Why?
"I have too many obligations — kids, day job, household chores, my volunteer work."
Why?
"I feel super responsible for the things I am in charge of, and don't want to fail at anything I do."
Why?
"Because if I do anything less then perfectly, I feel unworthy."
The last answer was the real problem, and applied to her writing as well as everything else: She stressed herself out with impossible goals for everything she was doing because she was a perfectionist who feared that doing anything simply "good enough" reflected on her self-worth. The thing she wanted to do for herself (writing her novel) came in last behind that need, when it showed up on her schedule at all.
She was already aware that she tends to perfectionism, but she mostly just joked about it. But by answering the 3 Whys seriously, and working backwards from her original complaint, this exercise forced her to look explicitly at how her perfectionism stymies her writing. Once she asked the 3 Whys, there was no more hiding from the fact that it was not simply about wanting her writing to be perfect, or even wanting her writing time/space to be perfect. It was about her fears of being a bad parent, a bad employee, etc. that fueled her unwillingness to make time to actually sit down and write.
The answer to her problem was not as easy as simply buying a new planner or downloading a new app, but in the long run, confronting her perfectionism directly meant that she actually was able to write her novel.
There is a lot of time in a day and while I'm not one who thinks every minute of every hour should be quantified and scheduled, it is also true that we often pack things into our schedule from a place of fear, and/or spend time trying to do something perfectly when doing it "good enough" is indeed enough.
If this feels a little like a therapy session, well, it sorta is! Being The Task Mistress is not simply about ordering my clients around! (Most of them hate that anyway!) In this example, could have just instructed her that "from now on you will write every day from 5:30 a.m. to 6:00 a.m.!"
For a moment, she would have felt relief that the decision was taken out of her hands, that someone else was forcing her to do what she wants to do anyway.
However, she would not have actually done it.
I know this for a fact because I have spent many, many years telling people to do what they claim to want to do and watched helplessly as they did not do the thing. Then, of course, I follow their excuses, which are not really for me but are a way for the client to justify to themselves why they still didn't do the thing despite the fact that they want to and I told them to.
(Disclaimer: I'm usually being paid to coach them, and I get paid whether they do the thing or not. I would honestly prefer that they do the thing! But the one who is literally and figuratively invested in doing the thing is, of course, the client.)
I've said this before and I'll say it again: if you try to solve a structural problem with a superficial solution, you are not gonna solve anything. The purpose of the 3 Whys exercise is to dig down to clearly see (and acknowledge, and accept) the real issue that is standing in your way.
It might not be an issue you can solve immediately — for instance, in the example above, the writer still had all the obligations she insisted were standing in the way of her sitting down and writing in the first place. However, eventually she was able to slowly peck away at her perfectionism in other areas of her life to the point of being able to create time to write. Not all the bake sale cookies had to be from scratch; she did not always have to take the lead in every volunteer project she wanted to participate in; getting the kids to help with chores meant the vacuuming wasn't always done perfectly but it was good enough.
I find that this exercise works best when you write it down or type it out. Forcing yourself to read over your answers put you in the position of of having to acknowledge the truth of them, rather than shrugging them off with a joke or another excuse.
You may not be too happy with what you discover, but if you accept what the real problem is, you are on the first step to cleaning up your calendar and succeeding at the goals you have set for yourself!
Wonderful insight KimBoo. Thank you!