Say Yes to "No"
Say Yes to "No"
Your schedule can't be free for all, it's supposed to be for YOU
Welcome to All the Tasks Fit to Print, my weekly newsletter on all issues productivity-related for authors (and other solopreneurs)!
I came of age in the 1980s ("during the 1900s" she writes with clenched teeth) when the anti-drug fervor was at it's peak. The ridiculousness of that whole campaign was that it is not actually bad advice, it was just hilariously out of step with culture as a whole and, tragically, did nothing to address the systemic issues leading to drug addiction (by design, natch).
But yeah: sometimes it is a good idea to "just say no."
I was reminded of this during a presentation I was giving about holistic productivity. One of the questions lobbed at me was, "how can you tell when someone will be able to implement your principles of holistic productivity successfully?"
My answer? "If they are able to just say no."
The problem I often run into with clients is not a resistance to change, surprisingly. They will take up any new productivity solution — a new course, a new planner, a new task management app, anything whatsoever! — that promises to help them organize their day and accomplish their goals. They want to change. They will put in tremendous amounts of effort and energy into changing.
It doesn't work long term, though, because what they are not willing to do is let go of commitments that are weighing them down.
Most of time, that takes the form of people who over promise and over deliver. "Good enough" is never good enough for them, and saying "no" to any request for time, energy, and attention is never acceptable for them either. Our society glorifies over delivering on a product or a service, but if that is the standard a person holds themselves too on everything, they will burn out quickly. They are terrible at delegation because they cannot let go of their perfectionism, which can manifest as micro-managing everyone around them (family members as well as employees). They are terrible at time blocking because they will let anyone and everyone interrupt their work flow out of a sense of hyper-responsibility. The list is endless and endlessly self sabotaging.
I co-host a podcast on writing and creativity, and a recent episode we recorded was all about "releasing" in the sense of releasing whatever is holding us back in our writing process. I brought up the fact that letting go is an internal decision, something a person has to decide for themselves, no matter how much order or structure someone provides them. For instance, you can hire a company to clean up a hoarder's house, but if you have not also hired a therapist to help the hoarder deal with whatever personal trauma makes them a hoarder, all you've done is bought a reprieve.
In the same way, when I work with clients I know right away whether my methods will "take" in their lives. If they can't let go of their metaphorical 20 year old empty egg cartons, they will just end up with the same mess they started with no matter how much I help them straighten out their schedule.
There are things you cannot say no to once you accept the responsibility for it, such as parenthood or running a business. Those are not quite the same, I know, but my point is that there are many types of responsibilities people carry that they cannot/will not walk away from, and that is important to acknowledge.
But what I'm talking about in this essay are the corollaries to those important things. Those smaller tasks can be deceiving because they feel productive. Doing them gives you the illusion that you are living up to an arbitrary standard, but in reality they are problems holding you back. You get caught in the allure of business and forget about what is important.
If you've taught your employees how to do inventory, then standing behind them to make sure they do it right is a problem. If you have volunteered at school/church to help with the bake sale when you have critical business deadlines approaching, spending a whole day making designer cupcakes from scratch is a problem. If you've already delegated the task of updating your business's social media accounts to an a team member, then logging in every hour to check their posts is a problem. If you've committed to a regular exercise regimen to improve your health, then saying "yes" to late-night work meetings that interfere with your gym time is a problem.
"Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it."
While it is a little overdone, this apocryphal saying (erroneously attributed to Michelangelo) applies in this situation, if you consider your schedule and/or to-do list the block of stone. Not everything belongs there, and in fact a lot of it must be removed to get at what is important.
Sometimes that means politely rerouting a request to someone else, and sometimes that means saying "no" very clearly and firmly.
If you are having a hard time with this, I recommend focusing on the feelings that arise when you are saying "yes." Guilt? Shame? A fear of being judged? A fear of losing control of the situation? A fear of failure? There can be multiple reasons, so don't rush over your reactions. Try to hold on to that insight to deal with later. Whether you meditate on it, journal about it, or bring it up with your therapist, the critical part is to understand what is going on and why you keep sabotaging yourself with "yes."
All that said, sometimes you do need to say "no" to big things. Maybe your choice of college major is not the right fit, or even college itself not the place for you. Maybe the job you thought would be great has turned sour and toxic and you need to quit sooner rather than later. Relationships can be hard and difficult, but at the point where they tip into abusive, it's time to say "NOPE" and get out. It's understandable that you might not want to have to face that decision at all.
Remember, though, that saying "no" is often far more important to personal progress than saying "yes."
We love saying "yes," especially when it feeds into our needs and/or insecurities. Saying "no," though, will usually get you much closer to the goals you have set for yourself.