Don't Give Up the Violin
The violin is a metaphor, just hang with me for a minute...
Hey y’all, it’s KimBoo! I’m an author and a podcaster who is also a librarian, text technology historian, and former I.T. project manager. I write about a lot of interesting things, I hope you agree! Please consider supporting me (and my dog!) so I can keep throwing errata & etcetera into the Scriptorium!
Allow me to share with a behind-the-scenes peek at my glamorous lifestyle! This is my in-progress storage closet:
I regret not taking a “before” picture, when it was haphazardly jam-packed with cardboard boxes so old they were falling apart and cheap plastic totes that were likewise. One plastic tote actually cracked when I pulled it out of the closet to re-pack it!
I’ll have more to say about the Great Repacking (Charlie Brown!) later but I would like to point out that long, black carrying case sitting in the middle of the photo, on top of the smaller totes.
That’s my violin.
If you are wondering how you never knew I played the violin, it’s because I don’t. I have always wanted to, and in 2006 (before the divorce) I bought the cheapest instrument I could—I think it is made out of balsa wood to be honest—and signed up for lessons.
For a few months, I diligently practiced several times a week and went to those lessons. It was hard and most of the noise I produced had the dulcet tones of an eagle screeching in pain. (Was that a contributing factor to the divorce itself? …maybe? 😂)
But I got frustrated. I was not progressing fast enough, I was not showing the advancement I wanted to see, I could not play the music I dreamed of playing. I practiced less often and I canceled lessons until eventually it had been months in between even the most basic scales. Resigned to failure, I packed the violin up and stuck it in the closet. In the intervening years, I legitimately forgot that I ever bought it until I started on the Great Repacking (Charlie Brown!).
When I rediscovered it, I realized, damn, it’s been almost twenty years since I last opened the case.
Twenty years of not playing the violin.
Twenty years of giving up the violin.
I cannot help but ask: Where would I be today if I had just not given up?
Not Carnegie Hall, for sure. But that is fine, since I never wanted to learn how to play in order to make it my identity or my career (sorry, Mother!). The dream I walked away from was simply to play for the joy of it and make music using an instrument that has always called to me.
Admittedly, my favorite violin pieces are difficult to play. Teleman’s Fantasias are not for the beginner; Biber is notoriously challenging; and the shortest pieces of J.S. Bach’s solo violin works are arduous.
But…but I wonder how close I’d be to playing any of them after twenty years of practicing regularly.
I wish this was an isolated event in my life, but sometimes I feel like I’ve given up more things than I’ve tried. When it comes to writing, I look back on decisions such as deciding not to start a Patreon in 2015, and walking away from story ideas that I thought would not be popular. I’ve watched other authors just make the jump and not give up and now are reaping the benefits, such as a large, supportive base of subscribers or a genre niche that became popular despite the lack of precedent.
Authors who are my peers and began publishing around the same time I did are now well-known in our community and popular with readers because, unlike me, they did not give up. I might not want their version of success, but I am insanely jealous of the success they have.
As I talked about this with my friend Gina, we both realized that the violin represented my failures—not that I tried and failed, but that I failed to try.
I gave up the violin.
I gave up the Patreon.
I gave up the ideas.
I gave up my potential.
I’m trying hard not to do that, but often staying the course is frustrating or even scary. While I’m not planning on attempting the violin again anytime soon, there are several things I want to do that I keep back-peddling from, and I have to remind myself that this is how I got here to begin with.
So, ironically, this is my new mantra, my guide to life, and my creative compass: Do not give up the violin.
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